05/29/2023: The Birds

So I slept in to the absurdly late hour of 7:30 AM today. Usually I'm up by 5:30 at the latest, but I was awake till like 1AM last night watching the entirety of Jury Duty while working on this diary page you see before you.

I am sure it will thrill you to know that I have a plurality of mortal enemies at the moment. Several robins have built nests near my house, and these gentrifying little shits have been trying to push me out! They don't care that I live here, that I am an apex predator who eats their fried brethren on the reg, they don't care that they weigh about the same as a beanie baby. They want me dead and have a plan for it.

They've been specifically sitting on my driver's side mirror and shitting absolute machine-gun turds onto my car without mercy. They've been body-slamming into every window of the house where they can see me from outside. When I or my dog go into the backyard, they will swoop down from the tree branches trying to swipe at us while summoning back up!

See, now I understand why the Joker's strategy for pesky Robins was a good crowbar. I pray their stupid little fledgelings will buzz off soon, because this has been going on since the beginning of April! In the meantime I'm gonna go to Red Robin, lie that it's my birthday to get a free burger, and whimsically pretend that it's made from actual robin.